How To Deal With Anxiety About Running Into Your Ex, According To An Expert
In an ideal world, you’d be granted a specific period of time after a painful split to heal — a grace period, if you will — before you ever had to see your ex. Unfortunately, you can cross paths with an ex at any time, whether at a local bar, your college dorm, or a party. But don’t stress — when you’re not sure how to deal with anxiety about running into your ex, there are some expert-approved strategies you can use to get through it.
First off, let’s get one thing straight. If the thought of such an occurrence leaves your stomach in knots, that’s totally normal, according to Fran Greene, a licensed clinical social worker, breakup therapist, and author of Dating Again with Courage and Confidence.
“Your heart needs time to heal, and each time you see your ex, the wound gets reopened, and the scab gets pulled off,” she explains.
While Greene admits that there is no magic switch to turn the anxiety off, there are ways to effectively manage those feelings so that they don’t overwhelm you.
Obviously, you can only do so much in terms of avoiding these run-ins. If you share mutual friends, live in the same neighborhood, go to the same school, or work in the same building, it can be next to impossible to dodge your ex completely. Of course, you can try to stay away from certain locations that you know they frequent, and in fact, Greene highly recommends making that effort to take control of limiting your anxiety.
“Don’t sit in the same place in the library where you always sat with your ex in the library or go to Starbucks at the exact time you know they’ll always be there,” she says.
No matter how hard you try to avoid your ex, there’s always a chance that you could see them by some cruel coincidence. But if you do know with some level of certainty that you’re going to run into your ex at a particular event or place, Greene recommends enlisting a supportive friend to be by your side.
“Arrive early so you can get acclimated, and look your best so you will feel confident,” she adds.
Don’t be afraid to ask the host to seat you far away from your ex, take a breather in the bathroom when you start feeling anxious or leave if you’re uncomfortable. Also, Greene says you totally have permission to decline an invitation if it's not super important to you, and you know that your ex will be there. While you might not want to miss out on significant events as a result of your anxiety around seeing your ex (such as a friend’s wedding), you also don’t have to put yourself in situations that you know could be detrimental to your emotional well-being.
You know the expression “fake it till you make it”? Greene says that very much applies here.
“Act as if you are self-confident if you run into her or him,” she suggests. “Stand up straight and make eye contact.”
Sometimes, when you act a certain way (even if it feels forced), it can trick your brain into actually feeling that way. So, although you may feel insecure about seeing your former flame, if you behave with a certain degree of self-assuredness, you may start to actually believe that you’re in that confident place.
If the anxiety about running into your ex is negatively impacting your life — such as causing you to be afraid to leave your home or going to certain places, you may need to seek a little extra help coping. Greene recommends seeing a licensed mental health professional, such as a therapist or social worker who specializes in anxiety and breakups.
“It can be a lifesaver in a short period of time,” she adds. “I have seen amazing results with clients I have worked within just a month. Their anxiety has diminished; they are sleeping better and are not consumed with thoughts about their ex.”
Greene advises seeking out friends who have survived a breakup and asking what strategies helped them to deal with seeing an ex. You can also join a support group for people who are dealing with anxiety or struggling in the aftermath of a breakup.
The most important thing to remember, according to Greene, is that anxiety is a temporary feeling.
“It will dissipate as time goes on,” she adds. “Know that the best revenge is being happy and enjoying your life.”
Hear that? You deserve to live your best life, whether or not your ex may happen to be present. You can’t control how they behave toward you in any of your potential interactions, but you can control how you handle it. So, learn to accept that a little anxiety is completely normal, hold your head high, and if you need a quick confidence boost, try blasting “Sorry Not Sorry” by Demi Lovato (you're welcome). And when that anxiety rears its ugly head, remember that this, too, shall pass.
Source:
Fran Greene, licensed clinical social worker
11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders
Many people experience anxiety at some point in their lives.
In fact, anxiety is a very normal response to stressful life events like moving, changing jobs or having financial troubles.
However, when symptoms of anxiety become larger than the events that triggered them and begin to interfere with your life, they could be signs of an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety disorders can be debilitating, but they can be managed with proper help from a medical professional. Recognizing the symptoms is the first step.
Here are 11 common symptoms of an anxiety disorder, as well as how to reduce anxiety naturally and when to seek professional help.
One of the most common symptoms of an anxiety disorder is excessive worrying.
The worrying associated with anxiety disorders is disproportionate to the events that trigger it and typically occurs in response to normal, everyday situations (1).
To be considered a sign of generalized anxiety disorder, the worrying must occur on most days for at least six months and be difficult to control (2).
The worrying must also be severe and intrusive, making it difficult to concentrate and accomplish daily tasks.
People under the age of 65 are at the highest risk of generalized anxiety disorder, especially those who are single, have a lower socioeconomic status and have many life stressors (3).
Summary Excessive worrying about daily matters is a hallmark of generalized anxiety disorder, especially if it is severe enough to interfere with daily life and persists almost daily for at least six months.
When someone is feeling anxious, part of their sympathetic nervous system goes into overdrive.
This kicks off a cascade of effects throughout the body, such as a racing pulse, sweaty palms, shaky hands and dry mouth (4).
These symptoms occur because your brain believes you have sensed danger, and it is preparing your body to react to the threat.
Your body shunts blood away from your digestive system and toward your muscles in case you need to run or fight. It also increases your heart rate and heightens your senses (5).
While these effects would be helpful in the case of a true threat, they can be debilitating if the fear is all in your head.
Some research even suggests that people with anxiety disorders are not able to reduce their arousal as quickly as people without anxiety disorders, which means they may feel the effects of anxiety for a longer period of time (6, 7).
Summary A rapid heartbeat, sweating, shaking and dry mouth are all common symptoms of anxiety. People with anxiety disorders may experience this type of arousal for extended periods of time.
Restlessness is another common symptom of anxiety, especially in children and teens.
When someone is experiencing restlessness, they often describe it as feeling “on edge” or having an “uncomfortable urge to move.”
One study in 128 children diagnosed with anxiety disorders found that 74% reported restlessness as one of their main anxiety symptoms (8).
While restlessness does not occur in all people with anxiety, it is one of the red flags doctors frequently look for when making a diagnosis.
If you experience restlessness on the majority of days for more than six months, it may be a sign of an anxiety disorder (9).
Summary Restlessness alone is not enough to diagnose an anxiety disorder, but it can be one symptom, especially if it occurs frequently.
Becoming easily fatigued is another potential symptom of generalized anxiety disorder.
This symptom can be surprising to some, as anxiety is commonly associated with hyperactivity or arousal.
For some, fatigue can follow an anxiety attack, while for others, the fatigue can be chronic.
It’s unclear whether this fatigue is due to other common symptoms of anxiety, such as insomnia or muscle tension, or whether it may be related to the hormonal effects of chronic anxiety (10).
However, it is important to note that fatigue can also be a sign of depression or other medical conditions, so fatigue alone is not enough to diagnose an anxiety disorder (11).
Summary Fatigue can be a sign of an anxiety disorder if it is accompanied by excessive worrying. However, it can also indicate other medical disorders.
Many people with anxiety report having difficulty concentrating.
One study including 157 children and teens with generalized anxiety disorder found that more than two-thirds had difficulty concentrating (12).
Another study in 175 adults with the same disorder found that almost 90% reported having difficulty concentrating. The worse their anxiety was, the more trouble they had (13).
Some studies show that anxiety can interrupt working memory, a type of memory responsible for holding short-term information. This may help explain the dramatic decrease in performance people often experience during periods of high anxiety (14, 15).
However, difficulty concentrating can also be a symptom of other medical conditions, such as an attention deficit disorder or depression, so it is not enough evidence to diagnose an anxiety disorder.
Summary Difficulty concentrating can be one sign of an anxiety disorder, and it is a reported symptom in the majority of people diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.
Most people with anxiety disorders also experience excessive irritability.
According to one recent study including over 6,000 adults, more than 90% of those with generalized anxiety disorder reported feeling highly irritable during periods when their anxiety disorder was at its worst (16).
Compared to self-reported worriers, young and middle-aged adults with generalized anxiety disorder reported more than twice as much irritability in their day-to-day lives (17).
Given that anxiety is associated with high arousal and excessive worrying, it is not surprising that irritability is a common symptom.
Summary Most people with generalized anxiety disorder report feeling highly irritable, especially when their anxiety is at its peak.
Having tense muscles on most days of the week is another frequent symptom of anxiety.
While tense muscles may be common, it’s not fully understood why they’re associated with anxiety.
It is possible that muscle tenseness itself increases feelings of anxiety, but it is also possible that anxiety leads to increased muscle tenseness, or that a third factor causes both.
Interestingly, treating muscle tension with muscle relaxation therapy has been shown to reduce worry in people with generalized anxiety disorder. Some studies even show it to be as effective as cognitive behavioral therapy (18, 19).
Summary Muscle tension is strongly linked to anxiety, but the direction of the relationship is not well understood. Treating muscle tension has been shown to help reduce symptoms of worry.
Sleep disturbances are strongly associated with anxiety disorders (20, 21, 22, 23).
Waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble falling asleep are the two most commonly reported problems (24).
Some research suggests that having insomnia during childhood may even be linked to developing anxiety later in life (25).
A study following nearly 1,000 children over 20 years found that having insomnia in childhood was linked to a 60% increased risk of developing an anxiety disorder by age 26 (26).
While insomnia and anxiety are strongly linked, it is unclear whether insomnia contributes to anxiety, if anxiety contributes to insomnia, or both (27, 28).
What is known is that when the underlying anxiety disorder is treated, insomnia often improves as well (29).
Summary Sleep problems are very common in people with anxiety. Treating the anxiety can usually help improve sleep quality as well.
One type of anxiety disorder called panic disorder is associated with recurring panic attacks.
Panic attacks produce an intense, overwhelming sensation of fear that can be debilitating.
This extreme fear is typically accompanied by rapid heartbeat, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest tightness, nausea and fear of dying or losing control (30).
Panic attacks can happen in isolation, but if they occur frequently and unexpectedly, they may be a sign of panic disorder.
An estimated 22% of American adults will experience a panic attack at some point in their lives, but only about 3% experience them frequently enough to meet the criteria for panic disorder (31).
Summary Panic attacks produce extremely intense feelings of fear, accompanied by unpleasant physical symptoms. Recurring panic attacks may be a sign of panic disorder.
You may be exhibiting signs of social anxiety disorder if you find yourself:
Social anxiety disorder is very common, affecting roughly 12% of American adults at some point in their lives (32).
Social anxiety tends to develop early in life. In fact, about 50% of those who have it are diagnosed by age 11, while 80% are diagnosed by age 20 (33).
People with social anxiety may appear extremely shy and quiet in groups or when meeting new people. While they may not appear distressed on the outside, inside they feel extreme fear and anxiety.
This aloofness can sometimes make people with social anxiety appear snobby or standoffish, but the disorder is associated with low self-esteem, high self-criticism and depression (34).
Summary Fear and avoidance of social situations may be a sign of social anxiety disorder, one of the most commonly diagnosed anxiety disorders.
Extreme fears about specific things, such as spiders, enclosed spaces or heights, could be a sign of a phobia.
A phobia is defined as extreme anxiety or fear about a specific object or situation. The feeling is severe enough that it interferes with your ability to function normally.
Some common phobias include:
Agoraphobia is another phobia that involves fear of at least two of the following:
Phobias affect 12.5% of Americans at some point in their lives. They tend to develop in childhood or the teenage years and are more common in women than men (35, 36).
Summary Irrational fears that interrupt daily functioning may be a sign of a specific phobia. There are many types of phobias, but all involve avoidance behavior and feelings of extreme fear.
There are many natural ways reduce anxiety and help you feel better, including:
Summary Consuming a nutrient-dense diet, quitting psychoactive substances and implementing stress-management techniques can all help reduce symptoms of anxiety.
Anxiety can be debilitating, so it’s important to seek professional help if your symptoms are severe.
If you feel anxious on the majority of days and experience one or more of the symptoms listed above for at least six months, it may be a sign of an anxiety disorder.
Regardless of how long you have been experiencing symptoms, if you ever feel like your emotions are interfering with your life, you should seek professional help.
Licensed psychologists and psychiatrists are trained to treat anxiety disorders through a variety of means.
This often includes cognitive behavioral therapy, anti-anxiety medications or some of the natural therapies listed above.
Working with a professional can help you manage your anxiety and reduce your symptoms as quickly and safely as possible.
Summary If you are experiencing chronic symptoms of anxiety that are interfering with your life, it is important to seek professional help.
Anxiety disorders are characterized by a variety of symptoms.
One of the most common is excessive and intrusive worrying that disrupts daily functioning. Other signs include agitation, restlessness, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, irritability, tense muscles and trouble sleeping.
Recurring panic attacks may indicate panic disorder, fearing and avoiding social situations could indicate social anxiety disorder and extreme phobias could be a sign of specific phobia disorders.
Regardless of which type of anxiety you may have, there are many natural solutions you can use to help relieve it while working with a licensed healthcare professional.
I Quit My Job Because of Burnout
Eight months ago, as I huddled over my laptop, trying to compose a Slack message while weeping and asking myself, “What is this all for?” I realized that I had to quit my job.
I could no longer ignore that my health was in shambles, I lacked any semblance of a personal life, and I was incapable of being a good friend or daughter because I was so burned out by the demands of my job working in social media covering breaking news.
On Instagram, I traveled, ran, and partied. In reality, I barely saw anyone, struggled to get out of bed, cried frequently, vaped weed heavily, and found basic tasks like laundry exhausting. The darker the news turned, the more dead I felt inside, and I couldn’t escape the news because my job was to stay on top of it. I finally realized that I couldn’t move forward until I stopped and seriously addressed the emptiness I was feeling, borne from years of always being “on.”
Quitting was an idea simmering in my mind for months that I kept pushing away, until, at last, I broke.
I’d broken before. Two years earlier, during the summer of 2017, I was riding the subway and my brain crashed. My body seized. I was rushed to the E.R., then returned to work days after. Three weeks later, I seized again and smacked my head on a coffee table.
Perhaps the concussion and black eye should have been a wake-up call to slow down. But I need my job, I thought. I didn’t know who I was without it. I feared losing health insurance, but mostly I feared losing the security of a title and a salary. Not having a job, in my mind, equated failure. It showed that I couldn’t handle hard work, city life, or being an adult; that everyone else, as social media proved, was stronger, happier, and more successful than me.
After the bruises healed during a brief medical leave, after I’d ordered a tiny gold medical bracelet engraved with a diagnosis of epilepsy, most likely stress-induced, I went back to work.
Current events grew bleaker, and so did my mental health as I stayed on the digital front line of every story. White supremacists descended on Charlottesville; a silent gunman opened fire on a Las Vegas concert; millions of women, myself included, shared intimate accounts of sexual harassment and assault. My dreams were plagued with AR-15s and leering men, and still I declined to deal with my health and fatigue. I dismissed therapy as requiring too much time and money, and if my colleagues appeared able to withstand the pressure, why couldn’t I? Instead of seeking help, I spent a long evening at an October wedding hidden in a back room, sobbing for hours into my best friend’s shoulder for reasons I couldn’t clearly articulate.
A month after the wedding, I was promoted to direct a new team, and my responsibilities doubled.
Looking back, I wonder: Was that the time to take a break? Even if it meant risking advancement? Or was the time in 2016, when I first started working in news, right before the chaos of the presidential election? Before my job evolved into seemingly constant coverage of every mass shooting as it unfolded, starting with the Pulse massacre? Should I have taken off more than a week between two high-pressure jobs in a media industry rife with layoffs, leadership changes, and scandals? How about after graduating college in 2011, before immediately moving to New York to job hunt? When was the right time to take a break? When is it ever? Quitting was never an option—until it became the only option.
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