8 Reasons Steps To Cure Depression Clinically And By Consultation Will Change The Way You Think About Everything

How to Be Depressed and Not Lose Your Marriage

Heather Gray shares 7 straightforward strategies to keep your marriage alive in spite of depression.

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Being depressed and married can feel like a suffocating prison. You’re miserable, maybe angry, and wholly unmotivated to do anything or connect with anyone. The person you love most in the world is staring at you with that look on her face. She may have tears in her eyes as she silently (or loudly!) pleads with you to please come back.

You. Just. Can’t. Do. It. Anymore.

There she sits. Just waiting for you. Waiting for you to do better. Waiting for you to be better.

There’s no way of explaining yourself. You love her, yes, but date night has no appeal. Simply leaving the house might sound like a hellish idea. Conversations are stilted and painful. You’ll do anything to avoid that awkward silence that hits the moment the lights go out as you two settle for bed. Maybe you’ll avoid going to bed at the same time. Another disconnect.

It’s like you’ve become a bigger failure and have sunk into a deeper hole with the mere flip of a light switch.

You know you’re depressed. On top of it, all you feel, see, and hear is her disappointment, worry, anger, or resentment.

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Here’s the thing, guys: She only seems to be directing all of her anger, sadness, and disappointment at you because she doesn’t understand and she’s desperate to. She wants to reach out and comfort you but she doesn’t know how. When nurturance and patience don’t work, she’ll resort to picking fights just to get a reaction out of you. Sometimes, she’ll just quietly go away.

You see, when women don’t understand the changes in their husbands, they create stories in their heads about what’s going on and they imagine all kinds of awful things. They might think of you as selfish. They may feel you’ve abandoned them. They wonder if your moodiness means something’s wrong with them. They imagine another woman in your life. They fear you‘ve lost interest in them.

Their inability to comfort you feels like their own personal failure. They read your distance as abandonment, even though you are likely keeping your distance to protect them and spare them from this darkness lurking in you. They don’t know or understand that you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

You either go radio silent or react with defensiveness. You experience their hurt and confusion as an attack. You don’t feel supported and end up feeling more isolated.

Untreated depression erodes relationships, breaks down families, and wrecks marriages.

One or both of you starts to shut down, act out, and/or disengage. What started out as your depression has become a marital crisis and you don’t know how you got here.

You love your wife and want to protect her from your pain and darkness but your energy is zapped and you don’t feel capable of all that much.  That’s ok. We’re going to take this a few steps at a time.

Now, here’s where to start:

You Don’t Have to Talk About It But You Have to Talk. When women are depressed, they usually can tell you why. They can name all of their stressors, thoughts, and feelings. Depression is different in men. It’s more like a dead weight that just presses down on your shoulders. You don’t know where it came from or why it’s there. Your wife can ask you a thousand times and in several different ways “What’s wrong?” and it can be totally true and accurate when you say “Nothing” or “I don’t know”. She’ll be confused, of course, because she can’t relate to that. To not wreck your marriage, you have to give her a little bit more. You have to give up on the notion of protecting her from your pain. There’s just no way of doing that and keep your marriage intact.

Acknowledge that you know your mood has shifted. She’s not crazy and it’s not in her imagination but remember, when you don’t offer an explanation, she makes up stories. You can say something like “I know I haven’t been myself lately. I haven’t felt much like talking. Not sure what’s going on, really.”

Reassure her that the problem isn’t her. Unless you say these words out loud, she has no way of knowing that and she will assume the problem is her. If you suspect or know that some of your sadness is coming from dissatisfaction in your relationship, you’ll have to say something at some point. Until then, you can say something like “I haven’t figured out all of the pieces yet but when I do, we’ll talk.”

Validate her experience. You know it wouldn’t be easy bearing witness to her depression. No one wants to see their loved on in pain. If you validate her experience, you are staying connected to her. You can simply say something like: “I know it isn’t easy to be around me these days. It’s  hard to be around someone who isn’t happy.”

Love your wife (and yourself!) enough to take care of yourself. Depression robs you of energy and kills your motivation. You don’t feel like yourself and that can make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. You don’t understand what’s going on with you. You just feel uncomfortable in your own skin. If you can’t explain this to yourself, how do you explain it to someone else? You’re never going to want to but you have to try. See your doctor. Explain what’s going on as best you can. There may very well be a medical reason for the shift in your mood or energy and it’s important to rule that out. Depression literally depresses your body systems so you’re going to need more sleep. Take it but no more than an extra hour and a half. Drink plenty of water. Depression can be dehydrating. Remember that alcohol is a depressant and try to keep an eye on how much you’re consuming.

Addressing your depression is non-negotiable.  Let’s face it. Anything I suggest here, you’re not going to want to do. That, after all, is the whole problem! You’re not going to want to do anything, but you have to try anyway. Depression is like a cancer that is hitting you and your family. If you had cancer, you’d have to treat it. Untreated depression erodes relationships, breaks down families, and wrecks marriages. Consider therapy. Try exercising, even though you’re not in the mood. If talking about it is too painful, write about it. If you’re the creative type, maybe start a project. Try reading other men’s blogs about their journey with depression.  Solutions aren’t one size fits all.  Find the one that works for you, but you need a plan to beat this thing. It won’t go away on its own.

Do what you can. Acknowledge what you can’t. Your depression makes it hard for you to know what you need and it’s even harder to express those needs. You may need to numb out for a while. You may need to disconnect with the internet, video games, television, or sports. That’s fine and understandable. However, you have to include your wife in this. If you don’t, she goes off and running with her stories and gets mad that you’ve just checked out. You have to say something like “I know we usually do something together on Saturday mornings but I’m just not feeling it. I just need some time to myself for a little while. Can we maybe just meet up for lunch?” If you check in on needs, and set end times, it will be easier for your wife to meet your needs. It’s the total numbing out for hours and hours without explanation or consideration of her that damages your relationship.

With just these few first steps, you are already preserving your marriage. You know there are more steps to follow.  That’s ok.  You’ve got this.

This article is part 1 of a 2 part series on navigating depression in a marriage. Click here for part 2!

Editor’s Note: You may notice that the title of this article has been changed from How to Be Depressed and Not Wreck Your Marriage to How to Be Depressed and Not Lose Your Marriage. The original title was meant to reflect the devastating effects that depression can have on the relationships that are most important to us. The title change has been made in order to clarify that losing one’s marriage can be a consequence of depression and in order to clarify that the depression rather than the person suffering from it should be blamed.

It is our hope that this article will provide men and women whose relationships are suffering as a result of depression, and who wish to preserve those relationships, with practical steps to further that goal.

Want to read and learn more from Heather Gray? Follow her blog!

Image: Tim Evanson/Flickr (image resized and cropped)

If you want to find happiness in 2020 start using applied self-compassion

Make the next decade better than the last by focusing on applied self-compassion.

by: E.B. Johnson

There is, perhaps, nothing more important in this life than our sense of self. Our sense of self guides every aspect of who we are, and it forms the perspective that creates everything from the type of parent that we are to the type of friend, lover and family member. How we view ourselves is important, and it gets even more important as time goes on. The lower an opinion you have of self, the less likely you are to extend the same understanding and compassion to self as you would to a friend. And it is precisely this compassion that we need to be happy, though we may not be able to see it in this moment.

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to ourselves, but it can be hard to find when it’s buried deep beneath the self-destructive voice of our inner saboteurs. When we learn how to be understanding of ourselves, we can learn to be more understanding of others and the experiences that make them, them. Applying true and limitless compassion to our inner self isn’t always an easy journey, however, and it’s one that requires us to give up the expectations and the judgements that protect us from the unexpected like a castle wall. If you want to find true joy in this life, you have to start from within and create the love and understanding you’re seeking.

Self-compassion is an increasingly popular term, but it’s also one that is becoming increasingly misunderstood as well. Being kind to ourselves isn’t about buying that expensive bag, or going for a massage once a month (or a year). True self-compassion is a way of living in which understanding is extending not only to the people around us, but our own authentic self, in every circumstance, every experience and every action that we take. As humans, we’re all just doing the best that we can, but that can get lost in the shuffle sometimes.

Self-compassion is not self-kindness and it’s not self-pity either. It’s taking an active role in your own healing, and it involves embracing your faults, mistakes and suffering as equally as you celebrate your joys, successes and triumphs. When we utilize real self-compassion in our lives, we extend the same kindness, caring and understanding to ourselves as we would to a friend or a loved one. Truly being compassionate to self means finding the healthy balance between acceptance and improvement, but it also means dropping the judgements and letting go of any unreal expectations that we have for ourselves or our lives.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a master in self-compassion research, there are 3 core components to true and realized self-compassion. More than just being nice to yourself, you also have to dig deep into your common humanity and become mindful of the way you both react and interact with your real, internal self. Self-compassion is a powerful tool, when we know how to wield it, but it takes a big commitment and it takes a lot of work each day to build. Adding it to our lives means finding happiness, however, and discovering that true beauty and joy is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give ourselves.

Living compassionately in-tune with who we are can lead to some major benefits for who we are and the life we want to create. When we start to better understand who we are, we can become the support system we so desperately need and better cultivate the happiness, resilience and strength we need to overcome any obstacle life throws our way.

Becoming the support we need

Life is hard and that’s no secret. We all struggle from time to time with heartache, hardship and the difficulties that modern living brings, but one of the best ways to combat that is from a sense of support. Our support networks — meaning our family and friends — are important, but their support is limited even at the best of times. When we apply self-compassion to our lives, we unlock the unlimited power of internal support, meaning we become the support system that we need; one that is always ready to go and always on our side.

Improved self-awareness

Compassion has a funny way of unlocking doors that we weren’t even aware of, and that’s especially true when it comes to the doorway of self-awareness. When we are more understanding of ourselves and our actions, we become more aware of who we are, what we want and how we’re feeling. This, in turn, facilitates the ability to better see how we treat and interact with others, which leads to major strides in most of the relationships in our lives.

Better mental health

Being more aware of self and more in touch with who we are empowers us to really get in touch with both our emotional and mental health. Compassion equals resilience, and it is precisely resilience that we need when battling serious mental issues like depression, anxiety, etc. When we’re better about supporting ourselves, we become better at supporting our mental and emotional states in a way that can help us both to cope and to thrive.

In touch with emotions

It doesn’t take a rocket science to understand how compassion equals a greater sense of emotion. Our emotions are both dynamic and complex, moving and shifting all the time with the environment around them. When we’re compassionate with ourselves, we see our emotions for what they are and embrace them — which can reveal major opportunities for personal realization, and also help us to regulate our reactions and interactions in positive ways.

Increased stability and resilience

When we’re in touch with who we are and how we’re feeling, it becomes much easier to tune into the natural strengths and facets of courage that we possess. Life is hard, and it doesn’t get any easier. Knowing ourselves inside and out leads to the realization that we have what it takes to conquer any mountain, and that we have the power to actualize any dream we want to turn into reality. Being strong isn’t about our outer world. It’s all about the inner world and creating peace and stability between our beliefs, our behaviors and the emotions that surround them all.

More motivation

When we are kinder to ourselves, we’re happier, and that can lead to increased motivation and an increased understanding that you do, indeed, have what it takes to create the life you want. Motivation is a major piece of the puzzle when it comes to shaping our environments, but it has to come from within and that starts with a big dose of self-compassion.

Simply knowing that you need to be more kind to yourself isn’t enough. We have to take action in order to create the peace, harmony and joy that we’re striving for. It’s not always easy to be kind to ourselves, but it’s necessary. Getting to the root of the blocks that keep us mean and chained to our unreal expectations is the first step in cultivating self-compassion, but it’s often the hardest one.

Poor childhood experiences

Our childhood is the critical foundation piece upon which we build the castle of our lives. The things that happen between ourselves, our siblings, our parents and even our friends as little ones goes a long way to inform how we view both ourselves and those around us. Experience is everything. But childhood experiences, both the good and the bad, can make us view ourselves as worthy or unworthy long before we are given the opportunity to make any real decisions for ourselves or our lives.

Flawed sense of strength

As humans, we have incredible strength of both mind and will, but that can get lost in the pummeling that is modern living. When we lose sight of our personal strengths, we lose sight of our worth and therefore our self-compassion. It’s a self-defeating cycle, and one that can lead to serious upsets when not addressed. Only when we see our strengths (and our weaknesses) for what they truly are can we find the path we’re really meant to follow and the resilience needed to overcome the obstacles that will inevitably come our way.

Skewed inner dialogue

The experiences of our past mean a lot, and they add up to shape our perspective and everything from the way we process our emotions to the way we deal with them. Bad experiences, if not dealt with appropriate and in a timely manner, can lead to out-of-control inner critic and a skewed inner dialogue. All because who we were becomes threatened by who we could be. Our inner critic says self-compassion is selfish or self-absorbed, but nothing could be further from the truth. That’s because our inner critic wants to keep us small, when we should be striving for our true greatness.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is one of the biggest reasons we struggle so much with extending compassion to ourselves. When we look down on who we are, or start to believe that we aren’t worthy of the things we really want in this life, it becomes easy to become cruel and neglectful of our authentic self; something that means death in this increasingly repressive world. Embracing who we are is a really powerful thing, but having confidence in self is the key to unlocking the universe. When we believe in ourselves, we know we can have whatever we want.

Once you know what understanding needs to be extended in your life, you can start to take the action that is needed to change your circumstances. Applied self-compassion doesn’t just happen by accident. It happens by committing to the cause and taking steps each day to ensure you feel better about yourself by the time you put your head down on the pillow. Do that with some basic techniques.

1. Look at it like a small child

As we go through this life, we lose sight of the compassion and understanding that is necessary in order to thrive. The experiences that make up our time here on this planet can be difficult, chaotic and hard to survive at times. When left unaddressed, these thousand little hurts can add up and make us as tough on the inside as we are on the outside; turning away from our true selves and the true nature that can lead us to personal salvation.

In order to combat this toughness, we have to learn how to treat ourselves as compassionately and kindly as we would a small, innocent child. Only when we look at our actions with understanding can we see that there is no fault worth holding onto, no grudge worth passing up on the future that we want. When we extend the same compassion to ourselves that we would a child, we unlock new possibilities and heal old hurts that can lead to big improvements down the road.

When something goes wrong, or your find yourself struggling or being to hard on your inner self, consider what a child might need or want in a similar situation. This child could be your own, or this child can be you. Look at it through their limited, innocent eyes and understand that — just like that child didn’t have the details — neither did you. We’re all just doing the best that we can, but we can only see that when we extend compassion to ourselves as generously as we would to the innocent.

2. Find your support network

Forging new connections and establishing new relationships can be one of the best ways to boost our confidence and further define our sense of self. Our relationships can be a more accurate mirror by which to gauge ourselves within the world, and a release by which we can find both support and grace when we need it. If you’re not enough support right now, build the network you need and let them know why you need them.

Reach out to friends, and don’t shy away from new skills and activities that could connect you with new people. Relationships are a great way to get re-familiar with your strengths, and a great way to build up the support systems you need to battle your shame.

Surrounding yourself with others who can take a compassionate, yet detached look at what you’re going through can be extremely helpful in assisting you to shape your own perspective. They can highlight issues you might have missed, or opportunities that you couldn’t see through the stress of the entire situation. By forging new relationships and reaching out to better the ones you already have, you’re actually boosting your ability to deal with shame and overcoming the darkness that’s plaguing your life.

3. Be more mindful

When we think of being mindful, we often assume it means simply being nice (to ourselves and others) — but it’s much, much more than that. Mindfulness is a powerful tool and a powerful state of being which can help us to unlock our true potential and create more loving, compassionate and fulfilling environments and experiences for ourselves. It’s being present in the moment, and it’s being aware of both where we’re at and how we’re feeling.

Learning how to be more mindful actually unlocks powerful avenues of emotional intelligence, which in turn allows us to better deal with the toxic self-confidence issues that permeate our lives. Cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure and major clinical depression are just a few of the side-effects of living in a life that’s stressed to the max and focused on everything but the here and now. Learning how to be more mindful can transform our our perceptions and our health — but it has a number of other surprising benefits too.

Take at least 10–15 minutes to think about the things in your life that your thankful for. Set a timer and — at the end of the process — take another 5 minutes or so to journal about the experience and how these things in your life make you feel. Whenever you’re struggling to be present in the moment, or deal with some new obstacle, refer back to the journal. Are you still thankful for those things? Are they worth overcoming these challenges for? Let them be the inspiration that navigates you through the tough times.

4. Let go of perfection

As humans, many of us have a desperate need to strive for some self-defined sense of perfection that can leave us feeling detached, defeated and dissociated from what really matters. Part of learning how to be compassionate with ourselves means learning how to let go of our delusional ideals of perfection, so that we can start to reach for the things that really matter in this life. When we let go of our need to be perfect, we allow ourselves to be who we really are, and in that route there is true freedom of self and authentic joy.

Spend some time with yourself (regularly) and spend some time getting to know who you are inside and outside. Focus in on your strengths, but also focus in on your weaknesses. Embrace them; open yourself up to them. Only when we face up to those aspects of ourselves that we don’t like can we turn them into attributes that we do like. Start letting go of your perfection obsession by falling in love with yourself and figuring out how to flip your weaknesses into strengths.

There is no such thing as perfection, and the sooner we realize that the sooner we find true happiness. Whether it comes to relationships, people, our careers or even the lives that we lead — the journey of existence is chaotic and unpredictable. Bad things happen. Good things happen. It doesn’t matter how well we strive to anticipate these things, or what kind of karmic destiny we work to piece together for ourselves. We all go through ups and downs, and we all succeed and fail in our own unique ways. Let go of your need to be some standard of perfection and look to your individuality instead. When we lean into who we are, we become easier to love and even easier to understand.

5. Master your inner critic

Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of ongoing shame, fear of failure, and internalized guilt. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for us to hate ourselves, and therefore easier for others to take advantage of us.

Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.

Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth. If you want something to be different make it different, and start right now.

6. Realize this is a common journey

Whether we realize it or not, the feelings that we feel — no matter the situation — are not unique. There is no hardship in this life we can experience that has not been experienced by someone else. Though difficulties can make us feel isolated, there is power in realizing that the hard times are common to each and every one of us. No matter what life we might project on social media, or what accomplishments we might share proudly with our friends, we all feel down sometimes and we all struggle with our thoughts, our emotions and our inner critics from time-to-time.

Realize that what you’re experiencing right now is something that has been experienced and felt by a million people before. No matter how hard things have gotten, or how dark they might be, don’t let the isolation pull you away from the truth that you’re not alone in this process. Others have hit the bottom before you, and they have turned around to thrive after you. You can do the same, but that starts with embracing that you are a part of a cosmic circle and one that wants for you to thrive, no fail.

Cultivate compassion for yourself by looking to the stories of others when you’re struggling. Find someone who has gone through a similar hardship, or reach out to a friend who you think could safely embrace what you’re feeling or where you’re at. Open up, and let your story be their own. See the similarities and listen to the outcomes — both good and bad. Feel yourself become a part of a bigger cause, and feel yourself become a part of that bigger family. There are those who came before and those who will come after in the same circumstances as you. Use their stories to thrive in your own, and be an example others can look to when they’re in a rut of their own.

7. Get professional help

If you’re truly struggling just to stay afloat, or if you find yourself struggling with a particularly nasty (and persistent) view of self — a good therapist or counselor can go a long way in helping us to heal. Therapists go hand-in-hand with medication and can go a long way in helping us figure out a lot of things in our lives. When you talk to a trained professional, you’ll feel better because you’ll know you’re talking to someone who not only knows how to listen, but is trained to listen.

When we’re feeling down, we usually reach out to our friends and think that’s enough. But it’s not. While friends are great for helping us dig into our feelings, therapists help us break free of vicious cycles by learning to identify our negative thinking and behaviors, which they then help you to correct.

You might be feeling worthless or stupid. Most likely, when you share those feelings with friends they will encourage you to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” While that might be helpful in some instances, it’s not particularly helpful if you’re suffering from really real feelings of depression or anxiety that are clinical and chronic in nature. There’s no shame in reaching out for help in shaping our renewed sense of self. It can boost the process and help shift out perspective in truly transformative ways.

8. Accept, accept, accept

Only when we learn how to accept ourselves and the way we feel and react to the environment around us can we truly unlock the power of our authentic self-confdience. We all have our baggage and the experiences that define who we are in the moment, but that person is always changing. True happiness comes only when we learn how to accept ourselves as we are.

Let go of all the judgements and preconceived notions you have about yourself and others. Remind yourself that the only behavior within the realm of your control is your own, and own up to that behavior and the things that drove you to those points. Embrace who you are, and embrace what you really want. No one in this universe is the combination of things that you are. Love those things, and see the beauty in them and the purpose for their creation.

If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is.Acceptance is the key to all change and understanding, but it is often the hardest hurdle to overcome. Only when we accept something that is within our nature can we dig into the meat of it and come up with a plan to change or transform it. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and look to build it into your regular routine.

Self-compassion isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process and a journey with a lot of steps and a lot of step backs. It’s learning to accept who we are and what we want, and that’s a big ask no matter who you are. Learning to be compassionate to ourselves can have transformative results, but it takes a lot of moving past the pain behind us so that we can embrace the future before us. Self-compassion is a key that can unlock the universe for us when we know how to use it, and it’s a way of creating the feelings of support and security that we need in our lives.

Learn to look at things as though they were occurring around a small child. Extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself as you would to a toddler or young person who is innocent and free from any wrongdoing. Sometimes, things just happen. There’s no right or wrong to it. Find a support network and be more mindful about both your emotions and how your treat yourself when things are good and when they’re bad. Let go of those ideals of perfection you have, and become the master of that nasty inner critic that you allow to tear you down. We all experience highs and lows in this life. Understand that you’re not the only one on this journey and embrace it for what it is. If you need professional help, get it, but practice acceptance above all. Accept yourself. Accept your life. Accept your highs and your lows for everything they are and everything they aren’t. Only when we embrace this experience fully can we make the most of it. Make the decision to make the most of your life every single day.

Three Reasons to Leave: Abuse, Addiction, and Affairs

As a clinical psychologist and certified addictions counselor, I see husbands, wives, and partners in individual or couples therapy on a daily basis grappling with the decision to leave or divorce their spouse or partner. Therapists have long referred to the three “A’s” of divorce as legitimate reasons to consider ending a relationship when the behavior of one’s partner is clearly destructive, abusive, or there is no reason to believe it will improve. Psychologists have suggested that the top three reasons for divorce are abuse, addiction, and affairs.

Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs.

When people ask me whether they should leave their partner or initiate divorce proceedings, very often it is because of one of the above. Any one of these issues, in and of itself, can be severe enough to make the answer to this question simple, yet it is an intensely personal and complex choice and the decision must be made in the context of careful consideration for oneself, one’s family, and the state and federal laws pertaining to the behavior. It is of utmost importance that, when faced with a partner who is engaged in these behaviors, one consults a professional and receives support, education, and counseling.

These are not decisions that should be made in a vacuum—or alone. As the social creatures and pack animals that we are, we have evolved over time to need and rely on social supports to better understand ourselves and the situations in which we find ourselves. Seeking help and support is a necessary, if not sufficient, first step in making the right decision for ourselves when coping with addiction, affairs, or abuse.

Many people do recover. While keeping safety in mind first and foremost, any one instance of the three “A’s” may be something that couples can bounce back from if they receive enough help and support.

One person with whom I worked found that she began to have feelings for a man she met online who was living in another state. She had no physical relationship with this man, but she continued to be connected with him for two years in what she later determined to be an emotional affair. When she and her husband finally entered couples therapy, she was able to confess her feelings for this man and her “emotional infidelity,” and end the affair promptly. She was able to work on what led her to stray from her husband and to articulate the ways in which she felt she was not getting her needs met at home and in their relationship, and they were able to make changes in order to save their marriage.

Another case of forgiving a violation of the three “A’s” involved a couple in which the man was physically abusive. He would block his wife’s exit from a door when she wanted to leave the house, jealously hack into her email, listen to her phone messages, and place restrictions on when she could go out and with whom she could spend time. At one point, he shoved her and she fell, almost bumping her head on a coffee table. While these are considered abusive behaviors in most states and punishable by law, the couple was able to learn about the definition of abuse—physical, sexual, and emotional—and the man fully engaged in individual and group counseling. He found a local therapist who ran groups for men with anger and physical abuse problems, enrolled in that program, and worked hard on himself for two years to save his marriage and family.

Often, couples enter counseling when marriages are on the brink and it becomes clear that one or both partners need individual counseling before the couples work can be successful. This last case is an obvious example where individual therapy would be essential at the start. The husband in this instance began individual therapy and conjoint group therapy, focusing on anger management and coping skills. Most importantly, he was able to identify and stop the abusive behavior, and the couple was able to resume their progress in couples counseling. After significant time and work, they were able to salvage their relationship and the marriage. This involved the wife’s ability to forgive and trust her husband again, of course, but also the husband’s ability to express his anger toward her in a more acceptable, healthy, and helpful way. The wife certainly needed her own individual therapy before she was even close to being willing to begin the couples counseling.

Addiction may be no different from affairs and abuse in this regard. When one’s addiction is severe, it is clearly grounds for ending a relationship or getting a divorce, but by no means is this always the case. When a husband, wife, or partner adequately addresses his or her drug and alcohol issues or other addictive issues, such as shopping addiction, gambling, or love or sex addiction, a couple can recover from the hurt, shame, and consequences of the addictive behaviors.

Many people are familiar with the quote, “We’re not responsible for falling down, but we are responsible for getting back up.” This is a wonderful analogy for the “disease” model of addiction. If you are walking along, don’t see a hole, and you fall in it, it isn’t your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to get up, to get out of the hole or ask for help. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease. It is sometimes a hereditary illness, a brain disease characterized by chronic relapse with psychosocial, biological, personal, and cultural origins. However, once someone knows that they have an addiction, they are responsible for picking themselves up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places, and things associated with their addiction, and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings, and the use of a support network such as a 12-step fellowship.

A few important things to remember: The three “A’s” and the behaviors surrounding them need to cease right away. In some cases this can be a work in progress, but in others it can’t. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse needs to stop immediately. Some of these behaviors are obviously illegal and nonnegotiable. There is no way to continue an affair and work on one’s marriage at the same time. Individuals need a comprehensive assessment and evaluation to determine the appropriate level of care and to engage in the level of treatment and support that will keep them and others safe. After this is determined, if treatment is not working adequately and that level of treatment is deemed insufficient, then the individual will need to step up his or her treatment to a higher level of care.

Often, separation is a good idea as couples learn about the addiction, affairs, or abuse. A healthy separation can enable individuals to focus on their treatment and come together as needed when both are ready. This sort of separation enables both parties and their family to recognize that recovery is an individual’s responsibility and it is also a family affair. Whether children or extended family know explicitly about what is going on, to be sure, they are all affected. So when an individual begins recovery, so too does the family, and each member of the family may need support and/or counseling.

It is a spouse’s or partner’s responsibility to communicate to his or her partner what is acceptable and what is not. It is also incumbent on a spouse or partner to become educated about the law, about the disease of addiction, and to learn as much about the psychological underpinnings of the three “A’s” and these sorts of behaviors as possible. It is a partner’s responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible about what he or she believes is going on and to insist that his or her partner get help.

Rarely is anyone able to work through these sorts of problems without the support of professional help. Finding someone to help you and your spouse these days is very easy, however. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a great place to start. You can also contact your local city or state psychological society or association. Speak with a physician or friend you know who has been in counseling and ask them or their therapist for a referral. Most local therapists are willing to consult at no charge over the phone to help you determine if they might be a good match for you or your spouse.

© Copyright 2013 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Jeremy Frank, PhD, CAC, therapist in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.